numb

Is there ever a point in time when you just stop feeling things? After so much hurt and disappointment, is it possible for someone to just not feel anything? I feel like that is what I am going through right now. There really is only so much someone can take before he or she just gets used to getting their hopes up only to be left with nothing. I personally believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I have 100 % confidence in my Heavenly Father and knowing that he will never leave me alone. Is it bad that I just honestly wanna give up? I am going to go ahead and be "that girl" and say that majority of guys are the same. Most guys around here are scared of commitment. Why? well, it is scary! What if he isn't who he says he is? The older I get I honestly get more and more scared of serious relationships. Why? because the longer you're in one, the more hurt you are going to get. NO ONE SHOULD FEEL LIKE THIS! I honestly think that I have only been in love and really loved one person in my life. It was the longest relationship I was ever in and I probably am still getting over it all. I wanna feel like that again. I want to be sad when I can spend  all my time with someone. I want him to come see me at work because it is killing him to be away from me that long. I want the passion, the love, I want something REAL. I am tired of getting hurt and getting lied to. I just feel numb. Am I ever going to find that one that makes my heart skip a beat? Is all of that even real? I am not the typical mormon girl who is just waiting to get married. I don't wanna just marry someone to get married. That is absolutely the dumbest thing I can think of. I just want someone real. I want love that will never end. I want to be absolutely certain that for the rest of my life I will be completely sure that he is the one that I will be happy spending eternity with. But what do I have right now? Numb. I can't feel hurt. I don't really get excited if someone seems interested in me because I just figure that it won't work out and i'll be crushed again. Welcome to the life of being skeptical. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Ten Things Girls Wish Guys Knew

Let's be honest here, when it comes to girls we have some high expectations for our boyfriends. EVERY girl has a list of things she wants in the guy she dates and if you say you don't, you are lying. Sometimes guys don't know of these things, but sometimes girls aren't afraid of telling their bf what they want exactly (like me). But I am here to help all the guys out. Here are a few things that girls feel like every guy should know about his girl but most of the time he doesn't.

1) DON'T EVER LIE. Honestly, what is the point? 99% of girls are Facebook stalking pros. We WILL find out if you cheat, if you lie about where you are going, or if you lie about anything else. Save your breath and don't waste our time. Honesty is the best policy even if it hurts our feelings. Every girl would rather be told the truth and hurt then rather than get lied to and prolong the hurting. If you think something looks bad or slutty on us, TELL US. We would rather not look back at the pictures and regret our outfit choices.

2) STOP TELLING US NOT TO GET READY. We are females. No matter how much you tell us that we don't need to do our make up or dress up because we look so much better without it all, we will NEVER listen to you. We want to look the way we want because we want you to be able to show us off. If we are going out that night we will most likely want to take a picture and I promise you we will want to look our best. Not to mention guys if you keep telling your girls to stop caring about their hair and stuff then you will later regret it and I will be out of a job. and NO ONE wants that.

3) DON'T BLAME OUR EMOTIONS ON OUR PERIODS. This is probably one of the most annoying things in the entire world. GIRLS ARE EMOTIONAL! It doesn't mean if we cry that we are on our periods. If I get yelled at by anyone I will probably end up in tears at some point. Our periods are not something we like to be reminded of every time something happens that involves emotions. Face the facts and realize that girls are always emotional. One day when we are having your children and taking care of you when you are sick I promise you will be happy that we have so many emotions.

4) WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE DISNEY. I don't care that I am 20 years old. I will always love cuddling and watching Disney movies. Majority of girls will agree that we don't feel like sitting there watching a movie that makes us feel like we are watching a porno. It is so much better to laugh at corny disney jokes and pretend that we are princesses.

5) THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BEST. I don't want a guy to sit there and buy me a michael kore bag just because it is expensive. I would much rather have 5$ flowers from walmart, a Diet coke, or homemade cookies then anything else. SIMPLE IS THE BEST. Why? because it shows that you know what we like and who we are. That is way more brownie points for effort!

6) CONFIDENCE IS SEXY, COCKINESS IS NOT! Nothing is worse than a guy who is too scared to tell you anything or be himself around you. If you work out or look good in a button down, Prove it! But for the love DO NOT remind me every five minutes. I promise I will notice the things that are the best about you and will remind you as much as I can. If you are cocky don't even bother trying anything with me. I have been around way too many frat boys for you to waste my time.

7) OUR FRIENDS ARE OUR FAMILY. Family and friends are seriously the most important people in our lives. Personally, my girlfriends are my sisters. I will do anything for them and I will answer their call if I am with you and they need me. My family has my heart and if you say anything bad about either my family or friends I will be mad at you for a long time and we will always remember what you say about them. Time with them is just as important as time with you.

8) DON'T COMMENT ON HOW MUCH WE EAT. We know when we are gaining weight and we won't let it get out of hand. If we want to lay around watching netflix and eating veggie straws and M&Ms, that is what we will do. We all know guys like to eat a lot but why can't we eat a lot too? Leave us alone about what we are eating and how much unless you want the wrath of an angry hungry woman on you. Trust me, YOU DON'T. We don't expect David Beckham out of you so don't expect a Victoria's Secret model out of us.

9) WE ARE NOT PERFECT. We don't expect y'all to be perfect, so don't expect that from us. We want you to love us and respect us. We don't care if your hair is messy or you are wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday. We just want you to do the same for us. We aren't going to be able to read your mind. We aren't going to always make things easy. But we will love you and make your time with us worth it. We will give you our best and our all and that's all you can ask from us.

10) WE LOVE YOU BUT WE LOVE OURSELVES TOO. Sometimes we just need a little space. Sometimes there is not anything you can do or say that will make us happier, we just want to be alone. We may just want to get lost in grey's anatomy or How I Met Your Mother. We will always tell you when we are ready to be social again, but sometimes we just need to be left alone. We still love you. We just need a little "me" time.

More Than Just Seconds, Minutes, and Hours

Time is an interesting thing. You either feel like you have too much of it or not enough of it. You can beg Heavenly Father for more of it at times and other times you are praying that it goes faster so that you can get past whatever you are going through. They say that time heals all and I must say that to a certain extent I agree. I feel like what we should really be focusing on is the incredible gift that time is. Growing up within close driving distance of most of my family, time with them wasn't in short supply. Every sunday we would see each other at church followed by an amazing meal at my Nana and Pa's house. My favorite memories involve my cousins, siblings, and other family members surrounded in the kitchen or laying on the floor in the living room of my grandparents' house. Then we all decided to grow up and move away. Now I think I would give anything in the world for that simple thing; time. Time back in that house. Time back eating all together. Time back when no one worried as much about what was going to happen in the future because we were all so young and things were simple. I would give anything for more time with my Pa, more time with us all together, more time learning about my relatives that I never got the chance to meet, and more time laughing and loving with each member of my family. But I think that it is true that if we all would have stayed right there in Winston-Salem we may have never realized how important our time is together. Now I cherish and jump at any opportunity I have to spend with my family. With the recent suicide of Robin Williams, I feel as if I am really holding on to the loved ones I have around me. It has made me look at life differently because of how much my life is relatable. You never know what you could do for someone just by giving them your time. YOUR TIME COULD CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE.  I know that time is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received or given. Time may seem like a burden when you are going through a break up or waiting for the right one to come along, but it gives you the opportunity to realize who you are and what you want to do and be. I am thankful for the struggles that I have gone through to get me to where I am. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting the precious gift of time, but I have come to realize as long as I am using the time I am given to do what I am supposed to and strive to become who I am supposed to, then I can't be waisting much. I know I am always talking about how the struggle is real and complaining about how awkward my life is, but right now I am just thankful that I have those awkward times because it makes for fun stories and a life full of laughter. I hope that anyone that reads this realizes how amazing time and life is.

Eye openers

I am a huge believer that life is a lot of the time about lessons. I feel like here lately I've done nothing but learn lessons on life. I've learned that some people are meant to be in your life but there definitely is good in goodbye. Why would you allow anyone in your life if they make you feel like you aren't good enough? I no longer will. No one in my life should tell me how to do things (except my parents...sometimes ;) ) I have also learned that it's okay to make mistakes. People should never make you feel like your life is not worth living. Unfortunately I have had some of those people in my life and I'm happy to say I'm weeding them out. When times get hard is when people show their true colors. They can help you through your problems or they can judge you because you have them. I am very thankful to say I have amazing family and few, but awesome friends that help me every single day that i struggle through. I'm also happy to say that even though I'm still single, I'm happily not willing to settle for anything less than what i deserve. While I hate reading every engagement post and opening every wedding invitation, I realize now that I haven't had anyone yet that really was the perfect guy for me. And just because I haven't found him doesn't mean i feel like I have to serve a mission to pass the time until I do. Don't get me wrong I think it's a WONDERFUL thing it's just not my thing and not meant for every girl. So I'll keep searching for mr right and enjoy the journey along the way. Oh how the struggle of a single 20 year old girl in Utah is so real. 

True colors

There honestly isn't much that bothers me but one thing I can't stand is when people are fake. I'm the most upfront and honest person you will ever meet. NOTHING bothers me more than people who say one thing and then act another way. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm real. Guys that pour their heart out then when it comes down to it they get scared and run away literally are the worst. Why is it so difficult to just be honest? Girls that change who they are for a guy's attention literally make me want to punch them in the face. I couldn't pretend to be anyone other than me no matter how hard I tried. If I say I'm going to do something or be somewhere, good Lord willing, I'll be there. I literally couldn't lie if someone paid me. But why is it okay for people to do it?? Seriously what good comes out of lying? NOTHING. I will respect anyone no matter what if they are honest with me. Lie to me once and I promise I'll never trust you again. I just don't understand why being fake is ever a better idea than being yourself. If you don't like you, change it. It's really not that hard to just stop and realize that you are good enough the way you are. If someone tells you otherwise, you don't need them in your life. Just be real, like the struggle. 

It needed to be said...

I don't understand why people have to do stupid things. Like seriously I couldn't be more frustrated right now. I HATE when people contradict themselves. When people act differently around different people I literally want to smack them in the face. Like when people wear country clothes around country friends and skater clothes around skater friends. Why is it so hard to just be yourself? Like BE UNIQUE! Why do people have to be so dumb? If your girlfriend begged you to take her dancing and you wouldn't go for her and then you go as soon as y'all break up?! Like seriously?! That's the stuff that bothers me. It's so true that when the going gets tough people show their true colors. I just don't understand why things that were such a big deal can just magically become easy over night! Nothing is more frustrating than when someone starts to do everything you wanted when y'all were together. Sometimes I feel like boys frustrate me WAY more than they should. Ugh where are all the boys that are like the ones in the books I read? Oh yeah, they're in non existent land. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Time

There are a lot of questions that I have been asking lately. I feel like most of the questions begin with the word why.  WHY did this happen? WHY did this not happen? etc. well, after many weeks and many attempts to find out, I think I might finally have an answer. The answer is simply timing. There is so much going on right now and all I have to remember is that everything that is supposed to happen at the right time. I can't force anything. The best things in life happen when you least expect it and they definitely happen naturally. Anything that has to be forced will eventually break. Don't get me wrong, I am still the most impatient person that has ever lived, but I am beginning to not take the waiting periods for granted. Any moment of any day can be that spectacular moment that people dream about. I think I get this idea in my head that things will go one way at a certain time and then they end up going a completely different way or don't happen at all. Life seems to be one big struggle sometimes. Especially when you are trying to find out the whys in life. I just feel like life shouldn't be always about the whys. If you want to do something, do it. There is no better time than the present. Granted, there are somethings that you can't always do because of timing, but if you can control it, DO IT. No one should ever stop you from making a decision that will make you happy. Time may seem life a burden sometimes, but it really is nothing more than a precious gift.