Leave the past behind you!

No matter how hard you try you will never be able to rewrite your past. If you make a mistake you can be forgiven, but it will always be something that happened. Reason why? YOU LEARN FROM IT. But why would you let something happen again when it ended bad the last time?! Ex boyfriend wants to talk about things? DON'T! Let's be real, he still doesn't care. It is just convenient for him. When he has no one else, he thinks he can have you. HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?! You can sit there with the excuses of it being fate, but it isn't. It would have worked out before. You should not have 5 times of breaking up and getting back together. If you broke up because he just doesn't think you are the one or because he isn't ready to settle down, IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE!! Why do girls these days think that the guy who treats them like crap is the only guy that is going to care about them ever? Don't let some guy have complete control over you, over the decisions you make, over your life! BE YOUR OWN PERSON. When you love yourself, when you are perfectly fine with being on your own, when you are close to Heavenly Father and when you communicate with him on a regular basis, THEN your Prince Charming will find you. I don't understand why girls think that having a boyfriend is the most important thing. No matter what, your exes are EX for a reason. Don't go running back to the past because there isn't someone in your life that gives you their complete attention. BE OKAY WITH BEING ALONE. at some point in everyone's life he or she will have to be alone. Use this time to become the person you want and stop trying to be what other people want you to be. If you sit there and try to be this list of things that you think every guy wants, you will never be happy with yourself. Stop caring what other people think. Stop trying to act like someone you aren't. Be independent. Read your scriptures. Pray. Go to church. (Just throwing in the Primary answers ;) ) Life will be so much better when you decide to become someone that will make yourself happy and your father in Heaven proud. END RANT. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

CHRISTmas

As I watch a little girl cry and cry at a local store because she couldn't get a toy right away due to the possibility of Santa bringing it to her, I started to get really hopeless. It breaks my heart to see the holiday season become more about soending the most money as opposed to spending the most time with your family. This is the first Christmas without my Nana and I would do anything for one more Christmas Eve at her house with all my family. Why do we make everything about getting or giving the best presents when His presence is the greatest gift of all? This time of year is only special if the true meaning is remembered. In a manger laid the greatest gift the world will ever know. Do we still think of our Savior as the greatest gift or is it the new iPad or iPhone that we would rather have? Luckily for me, I made my goal for the holiday season to blow up social media with pictures and videos reminding the world the real reason for the season. Heavenly Father sent his son to die for all the sins and sufferings of the world. He wants us to return to Him and has given us a way to do that. Are we using this gift or taking it for granted? I hope to never feel like I am not grateful for all my Heavenly Father and his son have done for me. If we could all take a little extra time to stop the shopping, the baking, the eating, the stressing and remember why this time of year is so wonderful, then the spirit of Christmas could be felt every day of the year. Teach all your nuggets the real meaning of Christmas so they can enjoy the season more each year and so they won't look like little brats like the little kid I saw at Walmart because no one wants that. #thestruggleisreal

Until We Meet Again

There are many things in life that are hard to deal with. Money, relationships (or lack there of), addictions, gaining weight, work, school, and so many other things all make life seem like a real struggle. What is the hardest thing about life for me? Goodbyes. Every time I have to say goodbye to my momma, I just want to burst into tears. I hate saying goodbye to my best friend, ash. The last time I saw her was June when I dropped her off at the airport. The entire way home I cried. But about a month ago I said my absolute hardest goodbye. I said goodbye to the woman who I owe so much of who I am to. I said goodbye to the sweetest, most tender and loving lady I have ever met. I said goodbye to the woman I called every single day on the phone. The voice of reason to all of my boy problems. The constant reminder to always check my blood sugars. The infinite question about if I had completed my project (project for my future husband). The cook that would made all of my favorite foods every time that I got to spend more than a couple hours at her house. The one liners that gave me abs of steel because I couldn't stop laughing at them. The most compassionate human with the ability to make you feel like you were the most beautiful person in the world. I had to say goodbye to MY Nana. There is not a person that I can think of that I love more than my nana. She gave me my amazing momma and loved me like no one else ever could. She gave me countless hours of advice on how to be an amazing mother and wife. She always told me never to worry about getting married or even having a boyfriend because as long as I had faith and did what I was supposed to do, the perfect guy would find me with no problem. I can still remember so vividly the feeling of emptiness that I felt as soon as she had passed. I am positive that my wailing could be heard throughout the entire house. I know that she is better and happy to be with my Pa again, but I still could be and am insanely sad. That woman was my heart. She was everything I want to become in life. There is not a thing I wouldn't have done for her. No doubt I would have given my life for her. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't miss her. A picture of her, Pa, and I sits on my station at school. Almost every client that sees it asks to hear about her. I tell them every time that I couldn't schedule an appointment long enough to explain how much she means to me. Just like this blog post still won't explain it enough. My Nana was always my number one fan. She always ALWAYS believed in me and never let me feel like I wasn't good enough. I still find myself grabbing my phone to call and ask for her advice on my struggle of a life. Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again. With open arms she will grab me and say, "welcome home, my little beaner. I have missed you so much." I cannot wait for the day when I will have her arms around me once more. Until then, I know that she is with me. I can feel her when her favorite Christmas songs come on. I know she is right there beside me whenever I am belting Haul out the Holly while driving around Logan where she would run around back in the day. I am forever in debt to my sweet Nana for everything she has done for me and taught me. I love her more than there are stars in the sky and grains of sand on the beaches. I know she is watching over me while I sit here in her Utah State sweatshirt and think of all the memories of us that I will never forget. Make sure any keep a good eye out for Mr Right and feel free to send him my way anytime now, Nana! I know this is not a permanent goodbye, but a see you later. Doesn't mean it still isn't hard and definitely does not mean that the struggle isn't real. Because believe me, it is.

Knowledge

People are absolutely crazy. What's even crazier is the effects they can have on us. They can make you feel things that you never thought you would. Someone can make you feel so happy when they smile at you or tell you you're beautiful. Someone can make you want to cry your eyes out because they don't agree with they way you feel about something. Someone can make you feel like you want to run away and never talk to them again. It's so hard to stay strong when people can make you feel ways you don't want to.  But what is the one weapon you need in this battle? Knowledge. If you know who you are, why let anyone make you feel otherwise? Yes. I know that I'm not perfect. I make some pretty dumb decisions and I know these past few weeks I have done a good job of proving that. But I know I'm not a bad person. No matter what people think I know who I am and what I want out of life. Having goals, knowing how to achieve them and never letting anything stop you is the best way to get back at everyone who has made you feel like you aren't the beautiful person Heavenly Father has allowed you to be. Push forward with faith and the knowledge that Heavenly Father will always pick you up when fall or when you feel like you aren't good enough. This is the best thing to remember because yall know the struggle is real. 💋

Nice try.

It always seems like when a tragic event happens in your life, everything else around it begins to crumble. I'll go ahead and tell you that basically sums up the past week. Last week at this time I was laying in bed crying over the thoughts of losing my sweet Nana. Here I am seven days later and crying over the loss of her. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'll see her again and I know that she is no longer in pain and I couldn't be happier about that. But you can't tell me that I can't be upset still. Nana was my favorite person in the world. I wanted nothing more than for her to be right beside me when I got married. I know she will be there but sadly not physically. I am just pretty dang bitter but I'm working hard not to be. But don't you love people taking advantage of the situation? People in the past using it as a reason to sit there and act like they still care. And it's even better when people use your vulnerable emotions to attempt to break you from what you know is true to make you feel better. Well guess what? You're not breaking me. While offers are tempting I know who I am. I think I'm more disappointed than anything else. Is it really that hard to just be there for someone without wanting something in return? I think it's done nothing but put people and life into perspective for me. I could not be more thankful for my goals and knowing I won't do anything to prevent me from achieving them. I am also thankful for the truly caring people I have in my life. It just goes to show you that when you think you have a plan and you've got life figured out, you're wrong! Oh how the struggle is real. 

It ain't pretty

There are somethings in life that just suck. It sucks to feel like you are being led on. It sucks to lose someone you love. It sucks to feel like you are so close to finding someone to spend the rest of your forever with only to be left standing there all alone. It sucks to feel like all your friends are getting asked out right and left and you just sit in your apartment and watch netflix. It is a hard thing to feel like the unwanted one. It is hard to sit around and wait for something to happen. I hate to be the one to complain but let's be real, everyone complains. Is it so bad to want to be with someone? No, I don't want to be with just anyone. I like having my alone time and being independent but some days more than others it just isn't my cup of tea. I feel like I constantly am searching for the one and I just want it all to stop. Why can't guys get off their lazy butts and see what is right in front of them? Why would you just want a girl who is going to play games with your head? I honestly hate when guys complain about how girls are mean when in reality we just have to protect ourselves because GIRLS ARE EMOTIONAL. Get used to it and get over it. If we like you, we want to see you. We want to spend time with you. and for the love can you stop playing mind games? You say you love communication and it is so important but you can't even send someone a text back! You sit there and tell us we are beautiful and you love to cuddle with us, but is it all true or just another lie to make it so you don't have to spend another night alone because your "dream girl" stuck you in the friend zone? Don't leave me or anyone else on "the hook" because if you do, I will not stay there for a second. I promise you honesty is the best policy. You wanna call me crazy? I call it passionate. If i like someone, I am not going to screw them over. I can't be heartless because my heart is always on my sleeve. I know one day someone will fall madly in love with all the things that I can't stand about myself but until then wouldn't it be nice if we all could just accept people for who they are? If there is someone I have my eye on then I basically have tunnel vision. So what? I don't like going out with multiple people because my emotions can't take it! I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I may try too hard sometimes, but I would rather give it everything I have then regret not taking a chance. So to whoever out there is reading this and thinking I am crazy, welcome to the mind of a woman because I promise you I am NOT the only one who thinks like this. I just am bold enough to speak my mind. #endrant #thestruggleisreal

Just because...

Just because I'm 20 doesn't mean I'm young or old. 

Just because I live in utah doesn't mean I need to get married asap. 

Just because I have a past doesn't mean that it controls my future. 

Just because I am really emotional doesn't mean that I'm crazy. 

Just because I go to cosmetology school doesn't mean I'm dumb. 

Just because I am trying to be independent doesn't mean that I like being alone. 

Just because I speak my mind doesn't mean that I'm rude. 

Just because I lack self confidence doesn't mean I don't think my life matters. 

Just because I take medicine for depression doesn't mean that I'm never happy. 

Just because I fall too easy doesn't mean that it happens all the time. 

Just because I don't like secrets doesn't mean I want everyone to know everything about my life. 

Just because I don't wanna move too fast doesn't mean I don't deserve honest communication. 

Just because I love disney doesn't mean I am immature. 

Just because I would love to find the one doesn't mean I'm marriage hungry. 

Just because I love sports doesn't mean that it's all an act for attention. 

Just because I live in leggings doesn't mean that I'm looking for attention through immodesty. 

Just because I easily shut people out doesn't mean I don't want them in my life. 

Just because I'm not the best with guys doesn't mean I deserve to always get hurt. 

Just because I'm not always hard to get doesn't mean he shouldn't put forth effort for me. 

Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I'm not worth it. 

Boys Drool

So tell me why it is that every guy blames everything that goes wrong in a relationship on the girl? "girls are too emotional" "girls never know what they want""girls just are too clingy" WELL NEWS FLASH BOYS, Y'ALL ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER. It is very hard for a girl to be able to shut off her emotions for whenever it is convenient for you. And why the heck should we have to stop being who we are because you aren't man enough to handle a real girl how she is? I honestly find it quite pathetic. Majority of girls do know exactly what they want. We want something real, something that means something to you as much as it does to us. When we talk about being with just the guy or even mention settling down, boys run faster than the speed of light. How annoying is that? Welcome to reality boys. If you want to be a father one day you are going to have to settle down and get married. Unless you wanna just skip that step and start having babies, which I mean I don't judge but you may wanna reconsider that. Honestly, I blame it on the culture in the Utah bubble. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE 18 AND NOT ENGAGED THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! and why the heck is it that I find myself believing that there is sometimes? Nothing is more frustrating to me. I am 20 flippin' years old and I should not be stressed about becoming too old and ending up with like 30 cats and living alone forever. Okay so it would probably realistically be 2 dogs BUT STILL. Why is the pressure so heavy? I don't want to be married soon. I don't want to be scared that people are going to judge me if i'm not. IT IS COMPLETELY STUPID TO BELIEVE ALL THIS. If I don't meet "the one" for like 5 years I don't care. I am waving the white flag and seriously rebelling against the idea of being married before I could even legally get into a bar. I want to finish school and travel and have fun without worrying about stupid guys. I am over boys that are too scared to give girls a chance because of the dumb M word. Why don't we all forget about getting married and ENJOY LIFE?! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!

numb

Is there ever a point in time when you just stop feeling things? After so much hurt and disappointment, is it possible for someone to just not feel anything? I feel like that is what I am going through right now. There really is only so much someone can take before he or she just gets used to getting their hopes up only to be left with nothing. I personally believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I have 100 % confidence in my Heavenly Father and knowing that he will never leave me alone. Is it bad that I just honestly wanna give up? I am going to go ahead and be "that girl" and say that majority of guys are the same. Most guys around here are scared of commitment. Why? well, it is scary! What if he isn't who he says he is? The older I get I honestly get more and more scared of serious relationships. Why? because the longer you're in one, the more hurt you are going to get. NO ONE SHOULD FEEL LIKE THIS! I honestly think that I have only been in love and really loved one person in my life. It was the longest relationship I was ever in and I probably am still getting over it all. I wanna feel like that again. I want to be sad when I can spend  all my time with someone. I want him to come see me at work because it is killing him to be away from me that long. I want the passion, the love, I want something REAL. I am tired of getting hurt and getting lied to. I just feel numb. Am I ever going to find that one that makes my heart skip a beat? Is all of that even real? I am not the typical mormon girl who is just waiting to get married. I don't wanna just marry someone to get married. That is absolutely the dumbest thing I can think of. I just want someone real. I want love that will never end. I want to be absolutely certain that for the rest of my life I will be completely sure that he is the one that I will be happy spending eternity with. But what do I have right now? Numb. I can't feel hurt. I don't really get excited if someone seems interested in me because I just figure that it won't work out and i'll be crushed again. Welcome to the life of being skeptical. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Ten Things Girls Wish Guys Knew

Let's be honest here, when it comes to girls we have some high expectations for our boyfriends. EVERY girl has a list of things she wants in the guy she dates and if you say you don't, you are lying. Sometimes guys don't know of these things, but sometimes girls aren't afraid of telling their bf what they want exactly (like me). But I am here to help all the guys out. Here are a few things that girls feel like every guy should know about his girl but most of the time he doesn't.

1) DON'T EVER LIE. Honestly, what is the point? 99% of girls are Facebook stalking pros. We WILL find out if you cheat, if you lie about where you are going, or if you lie about anything else. Save your breath and don't waste our time. Honesty is the best policy even if it hurts our feelings. Every girl would rather be told the truth and hurt then rather than get lied to and prolong the hurting. If you think something looks bad or slutty on us, TELL US. We would rather not look back at the pictures and regret our outfit choices.

2) STOP TELLING US NOT TO GET READY. We are females. No matter how much you tell us that we don't need to do our make up or dress up because we look so much better without it all, we will NEVER listen to you. We want to look the way we want because we want you to be able to show us off. If we are going out that night we will most likely want to take a picture and I promise you we will want to look our best. Not to mention guys if you keep telling your girls to stop caring about their hair and stuff then you will later regret it and I will be out of a job. and NO ONE wants that.

3) DON'T BLAME OUR EMOTIONS ON OUR PERIODS. This is probably one of the most annoying things in the entire world. GIRLS ARE EMOTIONAL! It doesn't mean if we cry that we are on our periods. If I get yelled at by anyone I will probably end up in tears at some point. Our periods are not something we like to be reminded of every time something happens that involves emotions. Face the facts and realize that girls are always emotional. One day when we are having your children and taking care of you when you are sick I promise you will be happy that we have so many emotions.

4) WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE DISNEY. I don't care that I am 20 years old. I will always love cuddling and watching Disney movies. Majority of girls will agree that we don't feel like sitting there watching a movie that makes us feel like we are watching a porno. It is so much better to laugh at corny disney jokes and pretend that we are princesses.

5) THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BEST. I don't want a guy to sit there and buy me a michael kore bag just because it is expensive. I would much rather have 5$ flowers from walmart, a Diet coke, or homemade cookies then anything else. SIMPLE IS THE BEST. Why? because it shows that you know what we like and who we are. That is way more brownie points for effort!

6) CONFIDENCE IS SEXY, COCKINESS IS NOT! Nothing is worse than a guy who is too scared to tell you anything or be himself around you. If you work out or look good in a button down, Prove it! But for the love DO NOT remind me every five minutes. I promise I will notice the things that are the best about you and will remind you as much as I can. If you are cocky don't even bother trying anything with me. I have been around way too many frat boys for you to waste my time.

7) OUR FRIENDS ARE OUR FAMILY. Family and friends are seriously the most important people in our lives. Personally, my girlfriends are my sisters. I will do anything for them and I will answer their call if I am with you and they need me. My family has my heart and if you say anything bad about either my family or friends I will be mad at you for a long time and we will always remember what you say about them. Time with them is just as important as time with you.

8) DON'T COMMENT ON HOW MUCH WE EAT. We know when we are gaining weight and we won't let it get out of hand. If we want to lay around watching netflix and eating veggie straws and M&Ms, that is what we will do. We all know guys like to eat a lot but why can't we eat a lot too? Leave us alone about what we are eating and how much unless you want the wrath of an angry hungry woman on you. Trust me, YOU DON'T. We don't expect David Beckham out of you so don't expect a Victoria's Secret model out of us.

9) WE ARE NOT PERFECT. We don't expect y'all to be perfect, so don't expect that from us. We want you to love us and respect us. We don't care if your hair is messy or you are wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday. We just want you to do the same for us. We aren't going to be able to read your mind. We aren't going to always make things easy. But we will love you and make your time with us worth it. We will give you our best and our all and that's all you can ask from us.

10) WE LOVE YOU BUT WE LOVE OURSELVES TOO. Sometimes we just need a little space. Sometimes there is not anything you can do or say that will make us happier, we just want to be alone. We may just want to get lost in grey's anatomy or How I Met Your Mother. We will always tell you when we are ready to be social again, but sometimes we just need to be left alone. We still love you. We just need a little "me" time.

More Than Just Seconds, Minutes, and Hours

Time is an interesting thing. You either feel like you have too much of it or not enough of it. You can beg Heavenly Father for more of it at times and other times you are praying that it goes faster so that you can get past whatever you are going through. They say that time heals all and I must say that to a certain extent I agree. I feel like what we should really be focusing on is the incredible gift that time is. Growing up within close driving distance of most of my family, time with them wasn't in short supply. Every sunday we would see each other at church followed by an amazing meal at my Nana and Pa's house. My favorite memories involve my cousins, siblings, and other family members surrounded in the kitchen or laying on the floor in the living room of my grandparents' house. Then we all decided to grow up and move away. Now I think I would give anything in the world for that simple thing; time. Time back in that house. Time back eating all together. Time back when no one worried as much about what was going to happen in the future because we were all so young and things were simple. I would give anything for more time with my Pa, more time with us all together, more time learning about my relatives that I never got the chance to meet, and more time laughing and loving with each member of my family. But I think that it is true that if we all would have stayed right there in Winston-Salem we may have never realized how important our time is together. Now I cherish and jump at any opportunity I have to spend with my family. With the recent suicide of Robin Williams, I feel as if I am really holding on to the loved ones I have around me. It has made me look at life differently because of how much my life is relatable. You never know what you could do for someone just by giving them your time. YOUR TIME COULD CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE.  I know that time is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received or given. Time may seem like a burden when you are going through a break up or waiting for the right one to come along, but it gives you the opportunity to realize who you are and what you want to do and be. I am thankful for the struggles that I have gone through to get me to where I am. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting the precious gift of time, but I have come to realize as long as I am using the time I am given to do what I am supposed to and strive to become who I am supposed to, then I can't be waisting much. I know I am always talking about how the struggle is real and complaining about how awkward my life is, but right now I am just thankful that I have those awkward times because it makes for fun stories and a life full of laughter. I hope that anyone that reads this realizes how amazing time and life is.

Eye openers

I am a huge believer that life is a lot of the time about lessons. I feel like here lately I've done nothing but learn lessons on life. I've learned that some people are meant to be in your life but there definitely is good in goodbye. Why would you allow anyone in your life if they make you feel like you aren't good enough? I no longer will. No one in my life should tell me how to do things (except my parents...sometimes ;) ) I have also learned that it's okay to make mistakes. People should never make you feel like your life is not worth living. Unfortunately I have had some of those people in my life and I'm happy to say I'm weeding them out. When times get hard is when people show their true colors. They can help you through your problems or they can judge you because you have them. I am very thankful to say I have amazing family and few, but awesome friends that help me every single day that i struggle through. I'm also happy to say that even though I'm still single, I'm happily not willing to settle for anything less than what i deserve. While I hate reading every engagement post and opening every wedding invitation, I realize now that I haven't had anyone yet that really was the perfect guy for me. And just because I haven't found him doesn't mean i feel like I have to serve a mission to pass the time until I do. Don't get me wrong I think it's a WONDERFUL thing it's just not my thing and not meant for every girl. So I'll keep searching for mr right and enjoy the journey along the way. Oh how the struggle of a single 20 year old girl in Utah is so real. 

True colors

There honestly isn't much that bothers me but one thing I can't stand is when people are fake. I'm the most upfront and honest person you will ever meet. NOTHING bothers me more than people who say one thing and then act another way. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm real. Guys that pour their heart out then when it comes down to it they get scared and run away literally are the worst. Why is it so difficult to just be honest? Girls that change who they are for a guy's attention literally make me want to punch them in the face. I couldn't pretend to be anyone other than me no matter how hard I tried. If I say I'm going to do something or be somewhere, good Lord willing, I'll be there. I literally couldn't lie if someone paid me. But why is it okay for people to do it?? Seriously what good comes out of lying? NOTHING. I will respect anyone no matter what if they are honest with me. Lie to me once and I promise I'll never trust you again. I just don't understand why being fake is ever a better idea than being yourself. If you don't like you, change it. It's really not that hard to just stop and realize that you are good enough the way you are. If someone tells you otherwise, you don't need them in your life. Just be real, like the struggle. 

It needed to be said...

I don't understand why people have to do stupid things. Like seriously I couldn't be more frustrated right now. I HATE when people contradict themselves. When people act differently around different people I literally want to smack them in the face. Like when people wear country clothes around country friends and skater clothes around skater friends. Why is it so hard to just be yourself? Like BE UNIQUE! Why do people have to be so dumb? If your girlfriend begged you to take her dancing and you wouldn't go for her and then you go as soon as y'all break up?! Like seriously?! That's the stuff that bothers me. It's so true that when the going gets tough people show their true colors. I just don't understand why things that were such a big deal can just magically become easy over night! Nothing is more frustrating than when someone starts to do everything you wanted when y'all were together. Sometimes I feel like boys frustrate me WAY more than they should. Ugh where are all the boys that are like the ones in the books I read? Oh yeah, they're in non existent land. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Time

There are a lot of questions that I have been asking lately. I feel like most of the questions begin with the word why.  WHY did this happen? WHY did this not happen? etc. well, after many weeks and many attempts to find out, I think I might finally have an answer. The answer is simply timing. There is so much going on right now and all I have to remember is that everything that is supposed to happen at the right time. I can't force anything. The best things in life happen when you least expect it and they definitely happen naturally. Anything that has to be forced will eventually break. Don't get me wrong, I am still the most impatient person that has ever lived, but I am beginning to not take the waiting periods for granted. Any moment of any day can be that spectacular moment that people dream about. I think I get this idea in my head that things will go one way at a certain time and then they end up going a completely different way or don't happen at all. Life seems to be one big struggle sometimes. Especially when you are trying to find out the whys in life. I just feel like life shouldn't be always about the whys. If you want to do something, do it. There is no better time than the present. Granted, there are somethings that you can't always do because of timing, but if you can control it, DO IT. No one should ever stop you from making a decision that will make you happy. Time may seem life a burden sometimes, but it really is nothing more than a precious gift.

Starting a Revolution!

Lately I have been asking a lot of people for advice on things that are occurring in my life. They always reply with something I should change or that I should do this instead of this and feel this way instead of that way. Well I am here to bring out my southern charm and start a revolution. I am going to stop doing what people think I should do, acting how I should act to get the result that I want. How about I just be myself and if things work out, great. If not, then there is something better! Why would I change the way I am just to make someone else care about me? Thats absolutely dumb. Yes. I have tons of flaws that could use work, but isn't that what makes me who I am? I am impatient but I am learning. I speak without thinking WAY too often. I like to change the color of my hair (not drastically but just spice things up). I drive too fast and listen to my music far too loud. I complain a lot about things that I can't change and my obsession with Disney is at an all time highly unhealthy level. BUT SO WHAT?! I also care insanely more about others than myself. I find myself always thanking Heavenly Father for everything he has given me, even the trials and hard times I face. I also would do anything to make others happy before I would do something that would make me happy. So to all of you who have given me advice, thank you. Honestly. I just know that deep down I can try my best to be a better person, but I am always going to be who I am. I am going to be too emotional and cry when I am sad, happy, thankful, and just because I feel like I need to. I don't wanna be anyone else other than myself. I am glad to be who I am and act the way I do. If that is something that you don't want in your life, then I don't need you in mine. It has taken me a long time to feel this way, but when I look in the mirror I am happy with what I see looking back at me. I am so comfortable in my own skin. So this may be the only time I say this, but there isn't much of a struggle here! ;)

half rain half sunshine

As I tried to run away yesterday (for a little while at least) i found myself at Bear Lake because I just needed to pretend I was at the beach and that was about as good as I could get. I feel so suffocated lately from all my thoughts and everything going on around me that when this happens I tend to just disappear for a few hours because I just can't deal with life any other way. I was swinging on a random swing and watching the water and honestly felt like nothing in the world even was going on, until the rain came. It was bright sunshine and our of the blue came a downpour. I was so upset that the rain ruined my good mood! Then it all kind of hit me, that is exactly how my life has been lately. I am absolutely happy and then as soon as something bad happens its like i completely forget about the sunshine that is still high above my head. although it was raining over me, the water still looked beautiful and had tons of sunshine all around it. I feel like there is a lot of rain right now in my life and everyone will tell you that it hasn't been the easiest for me this past week. As I try to figure out feelings and understand the why of life, I am trying so hard to not forget all the blessings that I have been given. It definitely is not the easiest to do though. Sometimes life's so confusing because there is a lot of rain and sunshine at the same time and you just get distracted by the bad timing of the rain and forget the sunshine. But why does the rain have to be so bad? The struggles make you stronger, right? But compared to the sunshine the rain is always going to terrible. So today I am thankful for the trials that I am facing because I know its going to help me become the woman I need to be. Let's just hope I don't forget this lesson I learned and let's hope I can survive the Montana wilderness this weekend. The struggle is real…

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Sometimes you feel like things are too good to be true. What happens when that day comes when you realize they are? You're crushed and heart broken. You feel like everything was a lie and you feel like your world got turned upside down. (Will smith knows what I'm talking about!!!) but what if you still don't know? People tell you one thing and then things happen that completely go against everything you were told. I just want a straight answer. I just want to know what I should do and how to deal with it all. Where can I take back my offer to be a grown up and go back to being a carefree teenager that only worried about what I was going to wear and eat. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My thoughts are non stop and I think I'm going insane. The struggle is more real than it's ever been. 😞

Bumps in the Road

Sometimes life is just simply hard. Sometimes you run into poles with your car and get completely humiliated in front of a bunch of people. Sometimes you just cry for hours because you miss your family and your best friend. Sometimes you just wish someone would grab you and hold you and promise you that no matter what everything was going to be okay because you are with them and he loves you and that is all that matters. But life is never really like that is it? Life is HARD. My mother keeps constantly telling me to let it go and let The Lord take care of it. That is honestly the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. It seems so easy just to not deal with it and know that Heavenly Father is going to take care of it. But I honestly am trying every day to be patient and let everything happen on the Lord's time. I know that I can do it, it is just a matter of how long it will take me to achieve my goal. I feel like I am constantly praying for strength and I just feel so selfish. (that is my number one pet peeve!) I feel like I need an emotional vacation and maybe a physical one too. Disney World sounds like the perfect remedy in my mind. (HINT HINT MOM!) But I don't want to be the girl who always runs away from her problems because I am honestly really good at doing that. I have been reading a book called "When You Can't Do It Alone" by Brent L. Top and I can honestly say it's what has been keeping me together. I think that I am trying so hard to be so independent because I am scared to depend on anyone else because I have been let down so many times, But what I need to realize is that Heavenly Father won't ever let me down. Placing my trust in Him and letting him take complete control of my life is so much easier said than done. But on a side note, I need a new tail light so if anyone knows a good repair shop in the Northern Utah area, holla atcha girl. Oh how the Struggle is so real. #storyofmylife

The unknown

Some people think that the unknown is the best part of life because you never know when something amazing could happen. Well tell that to all of us control freaks. There are so many questions in my life that I want an answer to but "I don't know" seems to be my only response. Those three words are like dealth to a control freak like me. Is it so bad that I like to plan in advance? That way if anything starts to go wrong I have pleanty of time to fix it. It's not so easy for me to let it all go and not care. I like to be in control and know exactly what is going on and when it's happening. But that's not always how life is, is it? Patience is a virtue and well let's be honest, I'm the most impatient person in the entire world. I base my actions on feelings so if I feel I should do it, I do.  Persistence must have taken the spot of my patience because I sure do have a lot of that. My daddy will be the first one to tell you when I have something in my head, I can't let go of the idea until it happens. I feel as if my thoughts are going to drive me, and probably everyone around me, mad! Maybe I just need a vacation... Oh how the struggle is so real. 

Big lippin'

This weekend I had an interesting experience. After eating at five guys Saturday night my bottom lip began to swell and naturally, I began to FREAK OUT. Like who wouldn't if they saw their bottom lip basically swallow their top lip. Oh the struggle. Well after church on Sunday I found myself in an urgent care being treated for some sort of allergic reaction. I don't even know what to but it's been such an embarrassing struggle. I never thought it would be difficult to eat cereal (besides when I had my tonsils out). I felt like such an awkward idiot when I would talk to anyone. I knew they noticed how bad it looked. My sweet boyfriend tried to reassure me everything was fine but I still felt like it was terrible. And after he and some friends made Punny lip jokes and compared me to the monster off monsters inc who gets his lips stuck in a vaccuum,

 I was insanely positive I couldn't be seen by anyone. But luckily I was blessed with an amazing boyfriend that told me countless times that no matter what he thought I was beautiful. But enough of my sappy-ness. Enjoy the picture of me with a swollen lip. Not to mention it's still pretty swollen on Tuesday... The struggle is real

When you know, you know.

Have you ever been so sure of something you thought you were going to explode if someone didn't agree with you?! Nothing is more difficult then trying to persuade someone to believe the way you should! But why have to? Shouldn't it all just smoothly go together? Nope. That isn't life. You have to work for what you want. Nothing comes easy if it's worth it. Sometimes it's hard because it requires things that you lack. Like patience, money, time, or strength. Thankfully I was raised to always know to put my trust and my faith in The Lord. It may have taken almost 20 years for me to actually do it, but I did it. Never allow the promptings from Heavenly Father slip away. If you feel it, do it. Don't wait for the right moment. Now all people have to do, once they know what to do, is do all they can to make it happen. Once you have done all you can do, trust that The Lord will bring you through the rest. The struggle is so real sometimes but as long as you believe that Heavenly Father is never going to let you fail, it will make everything easier. 

Reality may just be better...

So I'm laying here at almost 3 am and I can't sleep. Ever had those nights where you have so many thoughts in your head that nothing can drown them out? Welcome to the struggle of my night. There are so many loose ends in my life that I feel like I'm just waiting around to finally get an answer to. On the other hand, I feel happier than I've ever felt in my life. Is it possible to be kept awake because you're just too happy to sleep? I just am amazed that my life could really be so wonderful right now. Things are simple and surprisingly that makes me intensely happy. I feel like I've always been trying to make things difficult but this time it feels easy and perfect. Part of me is terrified that all this will end so fast but I'm mostly just too happy to even care. Luckily for me the night before I have to be up early, I can't sleep. Oh the struggle. But there's no way i would change anything about my life. (I never thought I'd ever say or think that!!)

I just don't know

There are so many things I'll never understand. I'll never understand why something's are so difficult. I'll never understand why one person can feel like something is right, but someone else feels completely different. I just wish I wasn't so confused on my life right now. All I want are answers to my questions. I've been praying so hard to know what I should do and why I feel the way I do. Am I stupid or something? Am I the only one who feels this way? How is it that one day everything feels perfect and the next day it's all over? I just don't understand my life right now. I can understand that things take time but what happens when things begin to happen then immediently shut off?? I just wish I had some answers other than 'I don't know'. I'm starting to lose faith in this situation and shut people out. Is it worth it? I feel like it is but then sometimes my tears tell me otherwise. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. 

Just Call Me Evander Holyfield

If anyone doesn't know, I work as a special education instructional specialist at a high school around here. Sometimes days are better than others. Today was NOT one of those days. When one of my students I work with started screaming vulgar words at me, I knew that today was not going to be fun. After a few more minutes I found myself assisting one of my co workers in putting this kid in a restraint. Luckily for me he kicked me pretty good in the face before we got him settled. Floor restraints are not the easiest thing to keep going. While readjusting, I got kicked in the face again and bitten in the arm. At this time the student got a nose bleed and began trying to blow his blood on me. No worries y'all, he definitely did. Currently the score is Shelby 0, Student 4. Needless to say the score only doubled when I got my hair grabbed and a HUGE scratch on my arm. Final score? Shelby 1, Student 6. Why do I get a point? Because when I added my workouts to my calorie counter I burned over 600 calories due to an hour of wrestling. #winning #myjobisntalwaysfun #THESTRUGGLEISREAL

The Little Things

I'm going to start off my saying the struggle is REAL when it comes to growing up. There has been a lot of changes going on in my life lately. It feels so weird to say that I am two months away from being in my twenties. Not only has there been changes in my life, but for all of my family. My sweet brother got engaged to an amazing woman and I could NOT be happier for them! It just seems like everything is changing so fast. I just want time to slow down a little bit. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to me, Lauren, and Justin pretending to ice skate in the kitchen with our socks on. Something I really miss is the ability I have to just drive over to my Nana's house and talk to her and my sweet Pa. Life seemed to be so easy when my family mostly lived within an hour of each other. I hate that I took that for granted while I was young. I also miss being able to crawl into bed with my mom when I have a long day and having her tell me that everything is going to be okay. Nothing is worse than being a broke college kid and being thousands away from your momma's DELICIOUS home cooking. I think it might be a little too obvious that I am homesick. I will forever know to NEVER take the little things in life for granted. The little things make the big things possible.

Definitions

Is there a certain definition of a relationship? Are there certain things that must happen in order for two people to be dating? I have found myself insanely frustrated lately with the whole "DTR" thing. WHY?! What is the big deal of just being with someone and loving every single minute that you spend together. There is someone I have started seeing and every minute has been amazing. The only time I feel like I want to crawl into a hole is when the whole Defining the Relationship talk comes up. Don't get me wrong i'd LOVE to be considered his girlfriend, but is that really the most important thing? Everything seems so good and I am scared that putting a label on something will mess everything up. But why should it? Everyone thinks that we are dating already. But why does it matter what other people think?? I have gone back and forth with this stuff for DAYS. I think that everyone is at least a little bit scared to start a new relationship and if you aren't well, more power to you.   I have been praying so much because I don't want to mess something up  and I don't want to do something that I shouldn't. What happens if I feel like it is something that I should pursue but he isn't 100% sure? When did things become so complicated? Why can't it just be like "I like you" "Oh I like you too" BOOM. Together. End of Story! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Southern girls in the snow.

Today was just like any normal day with the casual 4 feet of snow on the ground until I decided to attempt to do laundry at my sister's house. I noticed the driveway was pretty covered in snow but I thought I could just roll on in the driveway. Boy, was I wrong! I got stuck and I hadn't even gotten in the driveway yet. So then I think I can just put my car in neutral and push it. LOL @ ME considering I'm 5 foot 3. That DID NOT work. So I called my sister and she gave me a few ideas but none of them worked. After many times of falling in the snow and basically giving myself a concussion from the shovel, I gave up. Just as the tears began to fall from frustration, two missionaries drive up and make it certain to me that they will help me get out. Let's be honest this would only happen in Utah! Not to mention they probably saw my mascara running down my face and felt some intense pity for me. Like 30 minutes later I finally got unstuck. Who knows how long I would have been stuck in the road if they hadn't have came to save the little southern girl in the snow. Oh how the struggle is so real! 

We Gon' Find You!

Okay so I don't really get why people have to be so insanely mean?? Lately people in my life have been treated like crap and I am honestly really sick of it. Just a note to any guy out there, BE HONEST. We are girls. If you lie, we're going to find out. We have like a 6th sense in finding out information. Like 95% of people have some sort of social networking site (okay I made that statistic up, but still). Don't make up dumb excuses about how you rushed into things when you really just weren't getting what you wanted from a perfectly amazing girl. Lying to a girl is one of the worst mistakes any guy can make because you've basically just ruined your reputation. She will tell her best friends and then they go and tell everyone else. Call us dumb, but that's how girls operate. I have definitely had my share of dumb lies told to me and it's just made me one of the most skeptical people in the world. UGH. Why do people have to lie? I want to punch anyone in the face that lies about something so stupid. What is the point? Lying is about as dumb as Aria picking Ezra over Jake! Seriously, DUMB idea. How amazing would life be if people were just honest? Yes, people would probably get their feelings hurt a little easier, but wouldn't you rather hurt a little over the truth than hurt more from believing the lie only to find out it was a lie?? I think I am on to something here so you can run and tell that, HOME BOY.

Call me maybe?

My brother in law just told me that he never believed his mom when she told him girls would be waiting by their phone for his call (when he said he'd call) until he watched me anxiously waiting for a guy to text me. Story of my life. YES, I am THAT girl right now. Oh how much fun it is to be the girl waiting for someone to maybe call or text you. Key word there? Maybe. Maybe he will text you today, maybe tomorrow, maybe never. Maybe i'll look like an idiot anxiously checking my phone for something that may never be there. Maybe I'm just too excited for the possibility of something amazing that could happen. Maybe I'm just tired of everyone around me being happily in love. Yes, I am very thankful for the life I have, but sometimes the loneliness is just a little harder to deal with. Maybe it just feels like happily ever after is way too far away. The only thing I know for certain is that times like this really make me miss my best friend who always knows exactly how I feel. Oh, the struggle is so real. 

Lessons Learned

I feel like there are some people and things in my life that I wasted my time on. I wasted two years of my life on a guy that honestly couldn't ever get his act together. He was definitely the first guy I loved and as stupid as it sounds, I really thought we would have a future together. I have always been the person to be organized and he just wasn't the same when it came to stuff like that.  As much as I tried to help and be the person to help get him where he needed to be, it was never my duty. Ever since we ended I have been kicking myself in the butt because I feel like I pushed him away. In reality I realize that it's okay. I learned that you can't make anyone see they need to change, that is just something that they will have to realize themselves. As hard as it was to leave and hear how he ended up, I know that the Lord knew there was something better out there for me. It was really tough at times to know that he was in a different place than I was but I know that now I will ask the Lord for help when deciding who I should spend my time with. I  also feel like I wasted a lot of my time trying to be a person that everyone liked. I always wanted to be included and well liked. I should of just tried to be myself. Someone that would make my family proud and my friends happy to be around. I learned the lesson that it's okay to be my weird and awkward self the hard way. There have been many times where I feel like I will honestly be forever alone, but then my amazing family and friends always show me that there is so much more that I have to offer. I know that sometimes life just feels like a huge smack in the face, but I really do believe that the struggles make us stronger and the Lord will never leave our sides when we are facing difficulty. So while the struggle may be real, Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and I, thankfully, have learned to trust him completely.

I feel sorry for you

For all of you that can't get out of high school, I feel sorry for you. For anyone that thinks the world will be handed to you, I feel sorry for you. For all the people who judge me for the decisions I've made, I feel sorry for you. Honestly, there have been so many people in my life that have been two faced and stabbed me in the back. I used to be really upset but now, I just feel sorry for them. I am happy and in so much of a better place physically, mentally, and emotionally. I do not care what is said about me back home because I know and The Lord knows the good I am trying to do. It really is sad to see how people can't grow up and act their age. Life may seem like a big party but when push comes to shove, it sure isn't easy. So while y'all begin to fall to rock bottom I'll be on my way to the top. I am perfectly happy with everyone negative being blocked out of my life. Literally. There isn't much I can do besides keep going and not let anyone bother me. Times like this just make me thankful for my wonderful family and few but true friends that I hold dear. 

Thankful for these blessings in my life. 

Pregnancy or polygamy? How about neither.

When word got out around Oxford that I was moving from Mississippi to Utah the rumors started flying. I found two of them quite humorous. The first one was that I was leaving school due to my recent pregnancy. I honestly LOLed at that for a good while. I went on like two dates this year and somehow ended up "having a baby". Sorry y'all but that isn't my style. Another funny one was that I was coming to Utah to be a polygamist. Like was the most cliche rumor for an LDS girl moving to Utah? "S spotted in the car with her sister wives headed to Utah. Baby on board sign hanging from the window". Like really? Both of those are far from true and really hilarious in my opinion. Maybe I just want to get away and find an attractive LDS guy to marry. But not in the eyes of mississippi. Oh how the struggle is so real. 

Struggle bus in the snow

I arrived at my new home to find about a foot of snow. Naturally, I wanted to go jump in it and build a snowman. Then I moved items in this morning and basically almost ended my life. I'm awkwardly really clumsy so the ice on the steps got me pretty bad this morning. Luckily I didn't fall too bad and no one saw how terrible my awkwardness was. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll feel lonely out here but honestly I am perfectly happy worrying about me and Lola (my sister and brother in law's dog). Yep. I'm one of those people now. Knockin out my loneliness with a dog. It's too bad she can't help me move all my stuff in..The struggle is real. 

Road trip education

Today marked the start of my big trip to Utah! First thing I learned within like an hour of traveling is I get car sick on long bumpy roads. I apparently can't do long car rides unless asleep or driving. Serious note there is nothing worse than being car sick on a 24 hour car trip. I am so thankful my mother is good at taking care of me!! I also confirmed my obsession with wanting to move to Texas to raise my family. I'm in love with everything Texas! I also ate one of the best steaks I'd ever eaten at The Big Texan in Amarillo. Like it was to die for. Nom nom nom. The sunset was absolutely beautiful and then the sky was full of stars. It was such an amazing picture of the beautiful things the Lord has created for us. If you have always wanted to road trip I'd definitely tell anyone to do it! Pictures will be uploaded from the crazy things I see. I'm excited to keep going as long as I'm not blowing chunks every couple of hours. Welcome to the struggle.