Leave the past behind you!

No matter how hard you try you will never be able to rewrite your past. If you make a mistake you can be forgiven, but it will always be something that happened. Reason why? YOU LEARN FROM IT. But why would you let something happen again when it ended bad the last time?! Ex boyfriend wants to talk about things? DON'T! Let's be real, he still doesn't care. It is just convenient for him. When he has no one else, he thinks he can have you. HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?! You can sit there with the excuses of it being fate, but it isn't. It would have worked out before. You should not have 5 times of breaking up and getting back together. If you broke up because he just doesn't think you are the one or because he isn't ready to settle down, IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE!! Why do girls these days think that the guy who treats them like crap is the only guy that is going to care about them ever? Don't let some guy have complete control over you, over the decisions you make, over your life! BE YOUR OWN PERSON. When you love yourself, when you are perfectly fine with being on your own, when you are close to Heavenly Father and when you communicate with him on a regular basis, THEN your Prince Charming will find you. I don't understand why girls think that having a boyfriend is the most important thing. No matter what, your exes are EX for a reason. Don't go running back to the past because there isn't someone in your life that gives you their complete attention. BE OKAY WITH BEING ALONE. at some point in everyone's life he or she will have to be alone. Use this time to become the person you want and stop trying to be what other people want you to be. If you sit there and try to be this list of things that you think every guy wants, you will never be happy with yourself. Stop caring what other people think. Stop trying to act like someone you aren't. Be independent. Read your scriptures. Pray. Go to church. (Just throwing in the Primary answers ;) ) Life will be so much better when you decide to become someone that will make yourself happy and your father in Heaven proud. END RANT. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

CHRISTmas

As I watch a little girl cry and cry at a local store because she couldn't get a toy right away due to the possibility of Santa bringing it to her, I started to get really hopeless. It breaks my heart to see the holiday season become more about soending the most money as opposed to spending the most time with your family. This is the first Christmas without my Nana and I would do anything for one more Christmas Eve at her house with all my family. Why do we make everything about getting or giving the best presents when His presence is the greatest gift of all? This time of year is only special if the true meaning is remembered. In a manger laid the greatest gift the world will ever know. Do we still think of our Savior as the greatest gift or is it the new iPad or iPhone that we would rather have? Luckily for me, I made my goal for the holiday season to blow up social media with pictures and videos reminding the world the real reason for the season. Heavenly Father sent his son to die for all the sins and sufferings of the world. He wants us to return to Him and has given us a way to do that. Are we using this gift or taking it for granted? I hope to never feel like I am not grateful for all my Heavenly Father and his son have done for me. If we could all take a little extra time to stop the shopping, the baking, the eating, the stressing and remember why this time of year is so wonderful, then the spirit of Christmas could be felt every day of the year. Teach all your nuggets the real meaning of Christmas so they can enjoy the season more each year and so they won't look like little brats like the little kid I saw at Walmart because no one wants that. #thestruggleisreal

Until We Meet Again

There are many things in life that are hard to deal with. Money, relationships (or lack there of), addictions, gaining weight, work, school, and so many other things all make life seem like a real struggle. What is the hardest thing about life for me? Goodbyes. Every time I have to say goodbye to my momma, I just want to burst into tears. I hate saying goodbye to my best friend, ash. The last time I saw her was June when I dropped her off at the airport. The entire way home I cried. But about a month ago I said my absolute hardest goodbye. I said goodbye to the woman who I owe so much of who I am to. I said goodbye to the sweetest, most tender and loving lady I have ever met. I said goodbye to the woman I called every single day on the phone. The voice of reason to all of my boy problems. The constant reminder to always check my blood sugars. The infinite question about if I had completed my project (project for my future husband). The cook that would made all of my favorite foods every time that I got to spend more than a couple hours at her house. The one liners that gave me abs of steel because I couldn't stop laughing at them. The most compassionate human with the ability to make you feel like you were the most beautiful person in the world. I had to say goodbye to MY Nana. There is not a person that I can think of that I love more than my nana. She gave me my amazing momma and loved me like no one else ever could. She gave me countless hours of advice on how to be an amazing mother and wife. She always told me never to worry about getting married or even having a boyfriend because as long as I had faith and did what I was supposed to do, the perfect guy would find me with no problem. I can still remember so vividly the feeling of emptiness that I felt as soon as she had passed. I am positive that my wailing could be heard throughout the entire house. I know that she is better and happy to be with my Pa again, but I still could be and am insanely sad. That woman was my heart. She was everything I want to become in life. There is not a thing I wouldn't have done for her. No doubt I would have given my life for her. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't miss her. A picture of her, Pa, and I sits on my station at school. Almost every client that sees it asks to hear about her. I tell them every time that I couldn't schedule an appointment long enough to explain how much she means to me. Just like this blog post still won't explain it enough. My Nana was always my number one fan. She always ALWAYS believed in me and never let me feel like I wasn't good enough. I still find myself grabbing my phone to call and ask for her advice on my struggle of a life. Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again. With open arms she will grab me and say, "welcome home, my little beaner. I have missed you so much." I cannot wait for the day when I will have her arms around me once more. Until then, I know that she is with me. I can feel her when her favorite Christmas songs come on. I know she is right there beside me whenever I am belting Haul out the Holly while driving around Logan where she would run around back in the day. I am forever in debt to my sweet Nana for everything she has done for me and taught me. I love her more than there are stars in the sky and grains of sand on the beaches. I know she is watching over me while I sit here in her Utah State sweatshirt and think of all the memories of us that I will never forget. Make sure any keep a good eye out for Mr Right and feel free to send him my way anytime now, Nana! I know this is not a permanent goodbye, but a see you later. Doesn't mean it still isn't hard and definitely does not mean that the struggle isn't real. Because believe me, it is.

Knowledge

People are absolutely crazy. What's even crazier is the effects they can have on us. They can make you feel things that you never thought you would. Someone can make you feel so happy when they smile at you or tell you you're beautiful. Someone can make you want to cry your eyes out because they don't agree with they way you feel about something. Someone can make you feel like you want to run away and never talk to them again. It's so hard to stay strong when people can make you feel ways you don't want to.  But what is the one weapon you need in this battle? Knowledge. If you know who you are, why let anyone make you feel otherwise? Yes. I know that I'm not perfect. I make some pretty dumb decisions and I know these past few weeks I have done a good job of proving that. But I know I'm not a bad person. No matter what people think I know who I am and what I want out of life. Having goals, knowing how to achieve them and never letting anything stop you is the best way to get back at everyone who has made you feel like you aren't the beautiful person Heavenly Father has allowed you to be. Push forward with faith and the knowledge that Heavenly Father will always pick you up when fall or when you feel like you aren't good enough. This is the best thing to remember because yall know the struggle is real. 💋

Nice try.

It always seems like when a tragic event happens in your life, everything else around it begins to crumble. I'll go ahead and tell you that basically sums up the past week. Last week at this time I was laying in bed crying over the thoughts of losing my sweet Nana. Here I am seven days later and crying over the loss of her. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'll see her again and I know that she is no longer in pain and I couldn't be happier about that. But you can't tell me that I can't be upset still. Nana was my favorite person in the world. I wanted nothing more than for her to be right beside me when I got married. I know she will be there but sadly not physically. I am just pretty dang bitter but I'm working hard not to be. But don't you love people taking advantage of the situation? People in the past using it as a reason to sit there and act like they still care. And it's even better when people use your vulnerable emotions to attempt to break you from what you know is true to make you feel better. Well guess what? You're not breaking me. While offers are tempting I know who I am. I think I'm more disappointed than anything else. Is it really that hard to just be there for someone without wanting something in return? I think it's done nothing but put people and life into perspective for me. I could not be more thankful for my goals and knowing I won't do anything to prevent me from achieving them. I am also thankful for the truly caring people I have in my life. It just goes to show you that when you think you have a plan and you've got life figured out, you're wrong! Oh how the struggle is real. 

It ain't pretty

There are somethings in life that just suck. It sucks to feel like you are being led on. It sucks to lose someone you love. It sucks to feel like you are so close to finding someone to spend the rest of your forever with only to be left standing there all alone. It sucks to feel like all your friends are getting asked out right and left and you just sit in your apartment and watch netflix. It is a hard thing to feel like the unwanted one. It is hard to sit around and wait for something to happen. I hate to be the one to complain but let's be real, everyone complains. Is it so bad to want to be with someone? No, I don't want to be with just anyone. I like having my alone time and being independent but some days more than others it just isn't my cup of tea. I feel like I constantly am searching for the one and I just want it all to stop. Why can't guys get off their lazy butts and see what is right in front of them? Why would you just want a girl who is going to play games with your head? I honestly hate when guys complain about how girls are mean when in reality we just have to protect ourselves because GIRLS ARE EMOTIONAL. Get used to it and get over it. If we like you, we want to see you. We want to spend time with you. and for the love can you stop playing mind games? You say you love communication and it is so important but you can't even send someone a text back! You sit there and tell us we are beautiful and you love to cuddle with us, but is it all true or just another lie to make it so you don't have to spend another night alone because your "dream girl" stuck you in the friend zone? Don't leave me or anyone else on "the hook" because if you do, I will not stay there for a second. I promise you honesty is the best policy. You wanna call me crazy? I call it passionate. If i like someone, I am not going to screw them over. I can't be heartless because my heart is always on my sleeve. I know one day someone will fall madly in love with all the things that I can't stand about myself but until then wouldn't it be nice if we all could just accept people for who they are? If there is someone I have my eye on then I basically have tunnel vision. So what? I don't like going out with multiple people because my emotions can't take it! I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I may try too hard sometimes, but I would rather give it everything I have then regret not taking a chance. So to whoever out there is reading this and thinking I am crazy, welcome to the mind of a woman because I promise you I am NOT the only one who thinks like this. I just am bold enough to speak my mind. #endrant #thestruggleisreal

Just because...

Just because I'm 20 doesn't mean I'm young or old. 

Just because I live in utah doesn't mean I need to get married asap. 

Just because I have a past doesn't mean that it controls my future. 

Just because I am really emotional doesn't mean that I'm crazy. 

Just because I go to cosmetology school doesn't mean I'm dumb. 

Just because I am trying to be independent doesn't mean that I like being alone. 

Just because I speak my mind doesn't mean that I'm rude. 

Just because I lack self confidence doesn't mean I don't think my life matters. 

Just because I take medicine for depression doesn't mean that I'm never happy. 

Just because I fall too easy doesn't mean that it happens all the time. 

Just because I don't like secrets doesn't mean I want everyone to know everything about my life. 

Just because I don't wanna move too fast doesn't mean I don't deserve honest communication. 

Just because I love disney doesn't mean I am immature. 

Just because I would love to find the one doesn't mean I'm marriage hungry. 

Just because I love sports doesn't mean that it's all an act for attention. 

Just because I live in leggings doesn't mean that I'm looking for attention through immodesty. 

Just because I easily shut people out doesn't mean I don't want them in my life. 

Just because I'm not the best with guys doesn't mean I deserve to always get hurt. 

Just because I'm not always hard to get doesn't mean he shouldn't put forth effort for me. 

Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I'm not worth it.