Until We Meet Again

There are many things in life that are hard to deal with. Money, relationships (or lack there of), addictions, gaining weight, work, school, and so many other things all make life seem like a real struggle. What is the hardest thing about life for me? Goodbyes. Every time I have to say goodbye to my momma, I just want to burst into tears. I hate saying goodbye to my best friend, ash. The last time I saw her was June when I dropped her off at the airport. The entire way home I cried. But about a month ago I said my absolute hardest goodbye. I said goodbye to the woman who I owe so much of who I am to. I said goodbye to the sweetest, most tender and loving lady I have ever met. I said goodbye to the woman I called every single day on the phone. The voice of reason to all of my boy problems. The constant reminder to always check my blood sugars. The infinite question about if I had completed my project (project for my future husband). The cook that would made all of my favorite foods every time that I got to spend more than a couple hours at her house. The one liners that gave me abs of steel because I couldn't stop laughing at them. The most compassionate human with the ability to make you feel like you were the most beautiful person in the world. I had to say goodbye to MY Nana. There is not a person that I can think of that I love more than my nana. She gave me my amazing momma and loved me like no one else ever could. She gave me countless hours of advice on how to be an amazing mother and wife. She always told me never to worry about getting married or even having a boyfriend because as long as I had faith and did what I was supposed to do, the perfect guy would find me with no problem. I can still remember so vividly the feeling of emptiness that I felt as soon as she had passed. I am positive that my wailing could be heard throughout the entire house. I know that she is better and happy to be with my Pa again, but I still could be and am insanely sad. That woman was my heart. She was everything I want to become in life. There is not a thing I wouldn't have done for her. No doubt I would have given my life for her. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't miss her. A picture of her, Pa, and I sits on my station at school. Almost every client that sees it asks to hear about her. I tell them every time that I couldn't schedule an appointment long enough to explain how much she means to me. Just like this blog post still won't explain it enough. My Nana was always my number one fan. She always ALWAYS believed in me and never let me feel like I wasn't good enough. I still find myself grabbing my phone to call and ask for her advice on my struggle of a life. Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again. With open arms she will grab me and say, "welcome home, my little beaner. I have missed you so much." I cannot wait for the day when I will have her arms around me once more. Until then, I know that she is with me. I can feel her when her favorite Christmas songs come on. I know she is right there beside me whenever I am belting Haul out the Holly while driving around Logan where she would run around back in the day. I am forever in debt to my sweet Nana for everything she has done for me and taught me. I love her more than there are stars in the sky and grains of sand on the beaches. I know she is watching over me while I sit here in her Utah State sweatshirt and think of all the memories of us that I will never forget. Make sure any keep a good eye out for Mr Right and feel free to send him my way anytime now, Nana! I know this is not a permanent goodbye, but a see you later. Doesn't mean it still isn't hard and definitely does not mean that the struggle isn't real. Because believe me, it is.

Knowledge

People are absolutely crazy. What's even crazier is the effects they can have on us. They can make you feel things that you never thought you would. Someone can make you feel so happy when they smile at you or tell you you're beautiful. Someone can make you want to cry your eyes out because they don't agree with they way you feel about something. Someone can make you feel like you want to run away and never talk to them again. It's so hard to stay strong when people can make you feel ways you don't want to.  But what is the one weapon you need in this battle? Knowledge. If you know who you are, why let anyone make you feel otherwise? Yes. I know that I'm not perfect. I make some pretty dumb decisions and I know these past few weeks I have done a good job of proving that. But I know I'm not a bad person. No matter what people think I know who I am and what I want out of life. Having goals, knowing how to achieve them and never letting anything stop you is the best way to get back at everyone who has made you feel like you aren't the beautiful person Heavenly Father has allowed you to be. Push forward with faith and the knowledge that Heavenly Father will always pick you up when fall or when you feel like you aren't good enough. This is the best thing to remember because yall know the struggle is real. 💋